Category Archives: Happiness And Money

Where Your Energy (and your money) Go

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Much like money, personal energy is slippery.  Does your free time ever pass and leave you wondering where it went?  Have you ever sat down at the computer, intending a quick check of your email, only to get up an hour (or more) later?  Have you ever traveled somewhere where you have to pay for Internet use and realized how much you can do without?

If you took a calendar from 7 a.m. until 10 p.m. and marked your time off in 15-minute increments, what would a pie chart of your time look like?

The key with energy is that we don’t have an infinite amount.  That’s right, you’re not made of magic! We are always making choices about what to do with our energy, and when we don’t, outside circumstances decide for us. Let’s see what is possible when you divide your energy among meaningful things.

Here’s a great exercise I read about recently that will help you understand more about where you’re spending your energy. When you’re finished, you’ll have a clear look at how to prioritize some tasks:

  • Take a stack of cards and on each one of them write something that you need to do, hope to do, wish you could do, or feel like you have to do. These cards should include everything from “Learn Italian” to “Clean out my email inbox.”
  • When you are finished, divide the cards into two piles: Important and Not Important.
  • Go through each of those piles to form 2 more piles (when you are finished, you will have four). Decide if those Important and Not Important piles are then Urgent or Not Urgent.
  • Now you can prioritize in a way that makes sense given your limited amount of energy. It looks like this:
  1. Important and Urgent
  2. Important and Not Urgent
  3. Not important and Urgent
  4. Not Important and Not Urgent

It might be a toss up whether to call a friend who’s going through a divorce (#2), or whether to check your new voicemails (#3). But you can also see how quickly your energy drains away when you focus on replying to personal email (often #4) instead of researching plane tickets for your upcoming honeymoon (#1).

Invest Yourself Wisely

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Did you know that you are running for office, too? This month I’m asking you to not just take a look at your budget, but at your platform.  Money has come to mean more than just “voting with your dollars.”  Somebody has to be in charge around here. It might as well be you.

Let’s connect a few important ideas relating money and psychology, happiness and energy, and putting your money where your mouth is.  (Hint: your mouth is part of you.)

One reason I think it is important to look at where you’re putting your money is because I equate money with energy.  When we put money into something, we are putting our energy there as well.  We are saying, “This is what I care about and value.  This is where I choose to give a part of myself.”  Of course, how much money you earn and how much cash you carry don’t define your entirety.  But when you turn money into an action, either by purchasing, donating, or saving, it then becomes part of your legacy.

So you say that you must be leaving a legacy at Starbucks? (Yes it’s YOU I’m talking to you out there!) Spend wherever you want – but respect yourself (and your money) enough to take a look at the story you are writing.

Is Therapy (or anything else) Worth My Investment Right Now?

In order for you to decide if something, especially therapy, is worth your money, the object of your energy has to have some sort of leverage.  In other words, therapy has leverage because it invites the belief that things can get better and has the research to back it up.  Your favorite charity has leverage because it has captured your interest, excitement, or sympathy. You really need a caffeine hit and a pumpkin spice latte is going to do the trick. Well, all of those sound important to me! The idea that I can put my money somewhere and get a desired outcome?  That’s leverage, and that’s how you decide if something is worth your investment.

My specialty is solution-focused counseling, and my clients are a diverse group.  But everyone who is a part of my practice has decided that something about therapy is worth his or her money, and I work hard to make it consistently worthwhile. It is not easy to hire someone else to help you talk to your husband, feel better about your job, or teach you how to have a different relationship with food.  You are essentially paying someone to help you shine a light into all the parts of you that you have ignored, abused, or disliked for so long.  You have initiated a process that you hope will bring you more happiness.

Of course, therapy doesn’t always feel like a choice (neither does the latte; for some of us, it’s an act of public service).  Some people are at the end of their rope, and they don’t see counseling as an option. It feels like life has given them an ultimatum: shape up or ship out.

Let’s talk about what is worth your money. Is it worth it to have a few sessions with someone who can help you feel better about something you’ve been struggling with forever?  How much would you pay to be able to wake up and feel happy about your marriage or your job?  If you have a child who broke his leg, wouldn’t you take him to a doctor and treat it?  It’s not any different, then, to treat his depression (or your own).

So, whether therapy worth your money is a question only you can answer, and it depends on its leverage.  So let’s answer that question with another question (how therapist-y!): what IS worth your money?

Having Trouble Making Decisions?

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Are you on a frustrating walk?

3 Reasons why and 5 ways to help

I hear a lot from people who have trouble making decisions. Here are a few things I consider and discuss with someone who is having trouble making a decision.

Is this about perfectionism?

Our choices are ever expanding. It’s not enough to just buy eggs from your grocery list. You stand in front of the refrigerator case pondering the options: free range, organic, local, grass fed, etc.

Online, we can research every decision: a new car, a vacation, plane tickets, medical decisions, even who we date!

A desire to make the perfect decision can lead us to “analysis paralysis”-a cheesy phrase I dislike but an accurate description of what happens when our perfectionist streak shows.

Is this about having made a mistake in the past with one of your decisions?

Stage fright is a good way to describe this one. You are being overcautious-or are you? So you graduated from law school and realized you didn’t want to be a lawyer. This could certainly make anyone nervous about choosing a new graduate school or a career.

Or maybe you were married before-or with someone you thought you could be-and it didn’t work out.

These prior experiences have affected your belief in your decision-making ability. You ask yourself, “How can I trust myself to make the right decision or believe this relationship will work when I was SO wrong the last time?”

Is this about transitioning to a new phase or developing a new part of your life?

Deciding to do something different is a decision in itself. Some of us might say we want change but then appear to be quite unwilling to do anything about this. This is true whether we want to get to the gym more, fix a disordered-eating issue, or participate in an important relationship in a more positive way.

A person might have very conflicted feelings about what he or she wants; therefore this would look like someone who has trouble making decisions.

So, what’s the solution?

First, recognize why this decision is difficult for you, and if you fall into one of the above categories. Any one of them could cause some severe waffling. Describe it to yourself:

“I’m having trouble deciding ___ because ____.” If you find yourself giving a long explanation, my favorite technique is to describe what’s happening in three sentences. Then:

  • Think about why you don’t trust yourself. Are you looking for permission from yourself or another person to feel good about your decision? Are you gun-shy because of a choice in the past?
  • Focus on your goals and values. Get really clear on what matters to you first.
  • Set a deadline and start asking questions. Do you have all the information you need to make your decision? If not, what information are you missing and how will you get it?
  • See change as an opportunity. Think about some of the best decisions you’ve ever made. Examine the process you used and see if you can apply it again.
  • Seek a professional opinion. Nothing is worse than having all the information, a deadline, and knowing your goals and values and still feeling stuck. If you can’t force yourself to choose AND it’s an important issue, consult a neutral expert: a financial advisor, a psychotherapist, etc.

If you or a friend is having trouble with an important decision, contact me to discuss how I might help you sort it out.